Why am I always that knight in shining armor? I can hardly save myself, and yet I’m always having to save others. I suppose it’s my purpose in life. When is it my turn? When is someone going to save me or guide me in the right direction? Ever since I was about 26, I felt as if life was a struggle. Nothing ever works out for the better in the end. I’m always struggling to get anything good. Apparently I must have pissed someone off to deserve this. My motorcycle has been a constant struggle. My jobs have been a constant struggle. I try.. I try hard.. I try real hard to make things work. I’ve been trying my darned-est to do the right thing. To be the better person and think more positively. But when life continues to throw you curves and no matter how hard you try, I’m never right. I’m always wrong. Maybe I do things for the wrong reasons.. Never the right reasons.
Like everyone else, I want the best. I want the best that life can give me. I’ve become more career minded and dedicated to my job. This is probably the one thing that wasn’t a struggle. But everything else is. Money… Relationships… Always something that seems to be a problem.
I’ve made a lot of changes in my life in the past 5yrs. I wanted to be a better person. I want to do the right things. I wanted to have a real relationship. So I took a few steps back from my previous ways of life and discarded them thinking that the reason things were so difficult before was because I wasn’t a good person. But now, it seems like it doesn’t make a difference. No matter how hard I try to be the good guy. I still end up being the bad guy. So why should I try anymore? It doesn’t seem to pay off.
I really mean good. I do. But sometimes I just want to go back to being my old self. Making it all about Tim. The only thing that matters is me. Me, myself and I. I’m the only person who’s going to take care of me. I’m the only person who’s going to look out for me. ME ME ME.. But isn’t not right to be self-centered. I try not to be selfish. It’s not about me. It’s about others. It’s about everyone. Maybe I’m trying for all the wrong reasons. See, there I go again— being wrong.. I just want things to be normal. I don’t think that’s asking for too much.
It really makes me sad when I feel as if my feelings are ignored. I’m not allowed to have emotions nor feelings. I’m just supposed to be the knight in shining armor and save the world from itself. Regardless of my own internal issues. Maybe I’m just not understood. I’m not all that typical. Maybe I wear the wrong face or I don’t communicate my feelings? Maybe.. Jusy maybe..
But really, who cares how miserble I am. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be ok. I’ve always been in the past. Me taking care of me. I’ll make time to save myself.
I’m fine. Really..
Don’t worry about it.
Oh wait, you never have.