Trust? Again?

So, we’re back on the topic of trust.  Again, I’ll have to say that my past isn’t the most honest– and again I’ll say that I’m done and over with all that bullshit.  But I’ve played those games, I’ve been there done that and lets not forget, I’ve had those games played on me and BOY– I was played.  So now that I’ve been used as a door-mat, I find it difficult to trust people.  The thing that makes it even worse is I know how it all works.  Oh! Lets not forget my hyperactive imagination.  Now, take all that drop it in a blender and you see where I’m at on this trusting stuff.   Totally sucks cuz I’m constantly questioning peoples actions and whatever it is they’re talking about.  It’s bad enough that I’m already a spazz and to top it off I can’t stop thinking about the posibilities of whatever it is.  This just adds to my insomnia which adds to my stress.  It’s a never ending cycle that I just can’t seem to break out of.  There needs to be an off switch.  I just can’t find it.

I’ve been thinking lately that a lot of this distrust stuff stems from my own lack of self-esteem.  I rarely ever feel good enough.  Again, the questions start flying.  Why me?  What makes me better than the next guy?  He didn’t forget his muscles, I got pipe cleaners and a beer gut….  He’s got money, I got some pocket lint… He’s got an expensive car… I got a Blazer.   He’s got his act together, I got nothing.  Why me?  I’m practically live for the moment.  I’m not stylish.  I’m not buff.  I don’t even consider myself all that smart.  Here I am.. 31 and coasting through life.  Why me?  Who am I?  I’m your average joe–  Techno-nerd.  Geek.. Dork..  I bought a damn motorcycle to stop being a dork.  I’m not sure it’s working.

Ok, so some of you girls might say it’s not about looks and it’s not the size of his wallet (it’s the size of his errrrr package).  But all through life, I’ve struggled to have a girlfriend.  I’ve struggled to be ‘normal’ and ‘accepted’.  I have one friend who was among the popular crowd who likes and accepts me for me– he’s back home and I haven’t talk to him in weeks.    I just don’t know anymore.  It’s hard to even think that anyone would be intersted in me for me.  Which returns full-circle to the trust thing.  I’m ‘good enough’ for when the OTHER guy isn’t available.  Or for when she needs something, or wants something. Whatever it might be.  I dunno.   Anyhow. It’s frick’n late, and I got stuff to do in the morning.  Just had to get this off my chest.  Yet again.

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