Trust / Honesty

Ya know karma is a bitch cuz you never have any ‘credit’. It doesn’t matter how many good things you do for how every many years cuz in the end karama will still bite you in the ass. In the past I was quite the unfaithful asshole to one of my longtime GFs. The only excuse I can come up with is she was a bitch and I had such low self-esteem that any girl that crossed my path and that would give me the time of day was ALL MINE. Ok, so that was about 10yrs ago. I feel like I’m STILL paying for it.

Though, I did meet this one girl about 4-5yrs ago who I was actually in love with and she even made me think about marriage. No, she didn’t try to talk me into it, but our relationship was totally mint. Just being with her actually changed my mind about being with someone for the rest of your life. Strange.

But then she did something to screw up the whole thing. She was a little deceptive in a the reason behind her trip back home less then 2wks before she was going to see her parents yet again… Odd I thought. Come to find out she was visiting her ex who just happened to be in town the same week she was.. Was this an accident? No. He lived in California, she moved to Ohio. How do they both end up in the same state and city the same week?? HRRMMM

Since that day I’ve lost trust in ever girl I’ve been with. For the past 4-5yrs, the slightest oddity in their actions, words, or the way they look at me sparks some sort of mistrust in my mind and my brain goes into a tizzy.

I have a feeling that I’ll never get over this and it’s going to haunt me forever. Thing is, I’ve been the player, I’ve been the asshole cheater, I’ve played those games, I’ve lied those lies and I had an excuse for everything and got away with it. It’s because I know what I’ve gotten away with and how to do it that makes me not trust girls.

I’ve put all that behind me once I met that one girl who I wanted to marry. I’ve been a good guy doing all the right things and now, I’m constantly dusting off my back cuz some girl decided to walk on me. Is this pay back? I’m tired of catching them in lies, excuses and the smoke they’re trying to blow up my ass.

I’d rather be slapped in the face with the truth than someone lie to me and I find out. Don’t protect my feelings. That just makes things worse in the end. I’ve been there done that and have witnessed the outcome of protecting someones feelings. It just makes things worse. I’ve made a promise to myself to leave the dishonesty behind. I wish I could find a girl that’d do the same thing too.

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